what's the point?

Things i've tried:

Recently, i've been trying to manage my time so everything would go smooth sailing and i can avoid pile ups. I've been trying to get a normal sleep but i just can't. I've been trying to do my best in my tasks and upcoming tasks but i guess i suck but i think its just normal. I've been trying to understand a lot of things but it seems like everything is getting more complicated as the days go by. I've been trying to maintain a smile on my face from time to time but i guess i also suck at that part. I've been trying not to mind some problems but i think that's impossible. I've been trying to change for the better but i think it's going to be a rough road ahead.

Things that keeps me frustrated:

Unknown reasons why i'm not worth telling something. Users.

Lesson learned:

At the end of the day, its still going to be you and you alone. Everything that happened, happens and will happen to you is the result of the choices and decisions that you make. one of the few skills that babies learn is to close and open their hands. I hope its that easy to hold on and to let go.



~ I haven't been able to post a decent entry for the past few weeks and that sucks.

clown

maybe you see me im always happy

but in my back im a lonely clown

try to hold me one more time

bring me back from where i start

chances are not yet fading but

the clown starts to cry

hold me tight


these are some lines from an opm song which i really can relate to... its not that much but it says a lot... im good at being one i guess...

Questions

Questions are flooding my mind..

Am i in the right direction? Am i making the right decisions?

There are things in life that you will really never understand. Questions will always be present no matter what you do but that's life.

I never know when am i making the right decisions. I just know its wrong when it hits me back right in the face but truly, i learn from it. I think life has its own way of building you up. Though its hard to decipher, i do believe that we benefit from it if we just get the right formula to solve it.








Man, im just actually fooling around. Its gonna be a bitter start of something new i guess. Something that has been broken can never be put back to its former state. Change will always be around, even if one would not like to...

you

i close my eyes, i see you...

i doze off to sleep, i dream of you...

i sing in the showers, i think of you...

i go crazy at times, it's because of you...

i always check my phone, i expect a message from you...

but everything right now is surreal...

you are mysterious and unpredictable...

i dunno but thats for real...

but if as much of this is painstaking...

i'd better leave...

i'm afraid, i'm confused...

you are like a bubble that can be easily penetrated but all of a sudden, as the bubble pops, another thing draws in front of me...

reality that i can never be part of you for long...

reality that you are being guarded by something which strongly influences you...

barely few could enter but will immediately have to leave...=c

Hear me..

Today, some things really didn't go the way they should but i know that its normal. You can't do anything about it. This past few days were sort of normal and i think everything's normal... But i don't feel normal.

I want to thank you for all you've done in my life. I always wander off from the way where you lead me but I know that you know that I don't feel good about it and I thank you for still being there for me. You never left my side. Eventhough I'm always like that, you always accept me whenever I go back. You always make me feel that you're never too far away, I just have to look for you. Years have passed and I know that you know the reason why my life is like this. You are the one who really knows my weaknesses and I thank you for carrying me whenever I can't walk anymore. Thank you for picking me up whenever I fall. You are always there in my darkest times, eventhough it's only the time when i get to remember you. You are also there whenever I'm glad, eventhough it's the time when i fail to remember you.

I want you to hear me now. I'm happy with my life. I have a great family. Yes, and I really love them though I fail to show make them feel that I do. I have great friends and I love them too. Both of them have been the ones who inspire me and give me strength when I think I can't do it anymore and the ones that make me smile when I'm blue and I know you're using them...

I don't know but I hope you understand if I ask this request and I'm not taking this back anymore... If you do have plans for me and If you know that I can make it far, then good but if i will continue to go against you or make things that would not be pleasing anymore, to your eyes and the people around me then better take my life. Yes, i'm serious. I know that we humans are not perfect and they may say that we learn from our mistakes and thats how it is as we get through life but I think I'll make it big time and I think it won't be pleasing. So please... Just take me... I'm sorry for all I've done and I know you know the reasons why I did those things. I really am guilty. Once again... please hear me... Take my life if I'm heading to something unlikable... Please...

Amen.

what was that?

Last November 6 was our scheduled date of enrollment but sad to say I was not able to enroll that day because i still had no grade in my Math 11, which is College Algebra, though i have been able to take the removal exams. So i was just there in school staring at busy people. A lot of things were on my mind during that time: the enrollment, our block shirt, Peewee's birthday and my removal exam in Math 100 the following day. I'm so sick of Math but I promise to do good in Statistics(;D)... Anyways, it was also Zedher's birthday and i was supposed to go to the apartment of Ordisi and co. because she had a little salo-salo prepared there. Around 4 pm, i decided to check our block shirt and ended up paying the balance using my budget for enrollment to be able to get the shirts. Afterwards, i went to the salo-salo. Along the way, a friend texted that they'd watch Stardust and asked me if i wanted to join. Out of nowhere, i said yes. Arriving at the apartment, they were also there so after a plate of spaghetti and siomai, we went to SM City and the reason for writing this blog entry starts there...

Theatrical trailers were starting to roll when we entered the cinema and i saw part of the trailer of this one movie, The Bucket List.

"Just because I told you my story, does not invite you to be a part of it"

This line got my attention. Pictures of the past started to crowd up in my head.

I think I am the kind of person whom you could tell the whole story of your life including some of your secrets and expect that nothing of your private or secluded world would go out unless you tell me to do so. Sometimes, i think the not so good part of it is that i'm expecting to be already part of that story. I tend to interfere at times. But that was "Before"...

I've learned a lot from this. I thought I'm being of great help but turns out that I am not. It's hard to explain but the "knowing that you were not helping at all but rather you're already interfering and they are annoyed" sort of feeling is one of the worst aftershock that one could have.

So after that experience, i promised myself not to do that stuff anymore and I'm proud to say that I really am not doing it anymore.

Going back, i was in my seat already but this was still in my head but when the movie started it started to get off my mind because the movie started to interest me at the same time. When Stardust ended, i don't know what happened to me but I started to act "weird". I dunno how to explain it but all i know is that a lot of things were on my mind that time. I was troubled, excited, thrilled, happy, sad and scared. I was in a state of mixed emotions, in a sort of "i just saw a ghost" state and i don't know.

superhero and our hands

I remember when I was a kid, I always dreamed of having a real superhero that would save my life and all sorts of stuff that you could imagine when talking about superheroes. But besides having a hero, I’d like to be one too.

Why is this?

I suppose most of us have experienced being bullied in school or by the playground near our houses when we were kids, and even until now we still have encounters with those bullies from time to time. Sometimes we just want to explode and hit them hard in the face, just like a mutant who would unconsciously use their powers to suck the hell out of those pesky kids, but we can’t because we’re outnumbered and sad to say, we don’t have super powers. I still remember the time when I just walked away from a group of bullies and cried on my way home. I felt so helpless, so weak. I tried to stop myself from crying but still tears came rushing down in my cheeks. I didn’t want my Mom to see me like that so I told myself not to go inside until I was done. During that time, I wanted to become Superman so I would have super strength to fight them. I wanted to become Spiderman and put them into a cage of resilient webs where they would feel the same way I felt: helpless, vulnerable.

But looking back to those times, I now realize that that’s so silly of me but you couldn’t blame me for that and I couldn’t blame you for that either (;D). Just like in the movies, being a superhero isn’t just for the benefit of you. It’s helping out those who are in need. But how can I do so if I do not have extraordinary powers?

At times, we are unaware that we become heroes in other people’s lives. Giving up something for the sake of others is really something. Though you think that it’s just a simple thing but for them it’s a big deal.

There’s this story that our pastor told us last Sunday: In a public school, there was student on a bench. She was sitting there for no reason and was just waiting for something that would pull her whole system to go home. Out of nowhere, she heard frail sobs and as she turned around, she saw one of her classmate by the stairs with her head on her knees. She approached her and asked why she was crying.

“I’m hungry. I haven’t eaten anything since breakfast, that’s all.”

“Why? Have no money?”

She checked her pocket and the only money she had left was 8 pesos, just enough for her fare going home. If she gave it to her, it means that she would have to walk for about twenty minutes to reach their house. Anyways, she gave it to her. After receiving the money, her classmate burst into tears.

“Do you know that this is going be my first meal after two days?”

She was shocked upon hearing this. Her classmate bought pieces of bread and ate. On her way home, a car stopped beside her. It was another classmate of hers. She told her that she would take her home since their house was after theirs.

In the eyes of the classmate who ate nothing for two days, she was definitely her hero even just for the day and I believe that this would surely never be forgotten by the one she helped. And her kind heart was rewarded immediately.

We could be a hero in different terms or in different aspects. One thing I’ve learned is that it is not how much you will offer but it is rather what you are going to offer. People sometimes tend to look on us on how much we are going to give but fails to see what we really are about to give. So even without super powers, we can be a hero ourselves. We can be something that would be of great influence to people that we encounter in our everyday lives.

Another lesson learned, sometimes we expect things to work the same way as the way it worked on other people’s hand. For example, a ball that costs about a hundred peso in your hand is worth a million dollars in Jordan’s hands. A golf club can’t even get you through one course but In Tiger Wood’s hands, it’ll make him champion. Five loaves of bread and 2 small fishes can make a few fish sandwiches but in God’s hands, it can feed thousands. It may depend on whose hand it is but we have to remember that we are another unique individual. We have different things to offer.

We should not focus on the capability of others to make people’s lives easier but rather focus how we can do so. Not at all times we are going to meet our expectations for ourselves but we have to remember that there is a time for everything. Learn to be patient. We just have to believe that our hands were made for far better things.

My Heroine...

The drugs begin to peak

A smile of joy arrives in me

But sedation changes to panic and nausea

And breath starts to shorten

And heartbeats pound softer

You won't try to save me!

You just want to hurt me and leave me desperate!

You taught my heart, a sense I never knew I had.

I can't forget, the times that I was

Lost and depressed from the awful truth

How do you do it? You're my heroine!

You won't leave me alone!

Chisel my heart out of stone, I give in everytime.

You taught my heart, a sense I never knew I had.

I can't forget, the times that I was

Lost and depressed from the awful truth

How do you do it? You're my heroine!

I bet you laugh, at the thought of me thinking for myself.

I bet you believe, that I'm better off with you than someone else.

Your face arrives again, all hope I had becomes surreal.

But under your covers more torture than pleasure

And just past your lips there's more anger than laughter

Not now or forever will I ever change you

I know that to go on, I'll break you, my habit!

You taught my heart, a sense I never knew I had.

I can't forget, the times when I was

Lost and depressed form the awful truth

How do you do it? You're my heroine!

This is a song from Silverstein. I haven't heard much from this foreign band or maybe i'm just really not updated to music recently. I was looking for songs to download in my notebook and as i was scanning through some of my friends account in friendster, i passed one with this song(My Heroine) as the background music.

I'm not really much into rock music but when they have some of their songs in acoustic version, its the time that i get to appreciate it.

First time i heard this song, i thought it was just another break up song. But looking deeper into it, a whole new story revealed itself. I believe that the one who's causing the pain is the same person who once made the composer's heart beat once again. Not like the usual "it's the guy's fault again" scenario.

Heroine means a female hero. The composer of the song wrote this considering the girl as his heroine but on the contrary, she's the reason why he suffers. She hates her for everything she's done to him but still calls her to be his heroine. Irony!

But i know that he loves her. He loves her more than anyone does. I guess he understands her but she never gave way for him to let her know that he really does. Sad!

Sometimes when one easily quits on love, its the same time that the remaining passion burns out. The passion that is only longing to be deeply known. The passion that only hides but will redeem itself when one truly seeks. There's still chance but one gave up so all the possibilities of going back together will soon vanish. But this only shows that the foundation of the relationship is not solid, it was built on something that would be easily washed away when storms come into the so-called relationship.

There has never been a perfect course for love but a happy ending is never hard to achieve when both exert extra effort.-_-